silence is golden

OK I admit it. I've been sneaking out of the house at all hours. I have been seeking, erm, professional assistance. I have been going for a massage. Oh yes! But...

It's different... Honestly... My wife doesn't understand me... Instead of the usual crawling around the dodgy suburbs of some grimy northern town in a Datsun Sunny with false number plates trying to attract the attentions of some greasy haired seventeen year old crack-head who's bending over under an orange street-light smoking a fag and wearing a PVC micro-skirt and a pair of white plastic fuck-me-boots, I've been driving to a genteel unisex establishment in a Yorkshire mill complex.

Once there, and in exchange for several English pounds, I have been coaxed into removing my shoes, and only my shoes, and climbing into the contraption you see above. It's a bit like a massive George Formby grill. You lie there face down and the lid comes down on top of you until fat drips out into a little tray underneath put on some headphones and start watching a DVD showing tropical fish or peaceful looking North American scenery filmed just outside manically inbred and violent mid-western hick towns. As your watching, and for no apparent reason, a little machine squirts minty smells at you every few minutes too. Nice.

How is that a massage you ask? Well, here's the science. You'll all have had the pleasure of wearing a full-length rubber macintosh whilst being forcibly urinated upon won't you? No? Oh. Well anyway, it's a bit like that. As the lid comes down on your back a thin silk membrane is automatically draped across you. Then, once Chantal or Peaches or whoever's on duty has set the controls for the heart of the sun, the machine starts pumping hot jets of water up and down your body in rhythmically pulsating patterns for twenty minutes. It's great. Now I don't know how it compares to a real massage and there's absolutely no chance of extras unless you count the additional footage of two deadly lion-fish mid-coitus on the DVD, but hey... I can recommend it.

What's more, you can get you nails done afterwards. If you want.