silence is golden
OK I admit it. I've been sneaking out of the house at all hours. I have been seeking, erm, professional assistance. I have been going for a massage. Oh yes! But...
Once there, and in exchange for several English pounds, I have been coaxed into removing my shoes, and only my shoes, and climbing into the contraption you see above. It's a bit like a massive George Formby grill. You lie there face down and the lid comes down on top of you
How is that a massage you ask? Well, here's the science. You'll all have had the pleasure of wearing a full-length rubber macintosh whilst being forcibly urinated upon won't you? No? Oh. Well anyway, it's a bit like that. As the lid comes down on your back a thin silk membrane is automatically draped across you. Then, once Chantal or Peaches or whoever's on duty has set the controls for the heart of the sun, the machine starts pumping hot jets of water up and down your body in rhythmically pulsating patterns for twenty minutes. It's great. Now I don't know how it compares to a real massage and there's absolutely no chance of extras unless you count the additional footage of two deadly lion-fish mid-coitus on the DVD, but hey... I can recommend it.
What's more, you can get you nails done afterwards. If you want.