IN THE YEAR OF '39

I suppose that I've been in quite a bad temper for a while now. Is it a number of weeks? It might be a number of months actually? It could be most of 2006. Must try harder? Perhaps. It could be the trying harder that's putting me in such a foul mood.

That said, it's been a pretty eventful year and here, in review, are some of the highlights:

Two visits to India.

They don't even have to bother coming over here to take our jobs any more.

41 locks in a single day.

I'm sure people have done many more, but to canalling newbies like us, it seemed something of an achievement. In 2007 we will endeavour to take on the Four Counties Ringpiece. Maybe we'll see Harrison Ford with that skinny bird.

Numerous visits to A&E.

Haverfordwest saw Boo's mystery injury which pushed her back to crawling for three weeks. Something to do with a helter skelter in Fishguard. Nearer home, Snicket had his finger broken by his friend. Horseplay. Grandpa Backroads broke a toe after Snicket's birthday party stacking the chairs "the right way" for the Village Hall Committee.

A brief sojourn to Amsterdam. Nice town. The airport's a right Schiphol mind.

Three booze cruises.

We have a little routine. Grandpa Backroads, Alley and I take all the seats out of Mrs B's bus. We get up at some ungodly hour and hurtle towards Dover. We always book on the 11 o'clock ferry but invariably catch the 9.30. We load up on our pre-ordered drinkies, have an omelette and frites at a town centre bar and then head for the fleshpots of the square. In summer it holds a fair, in the winter an ice rink. We swerve around the world's scum so they can't grab a hold of the underneath of the car in a desparate bid to stowaway to Britain to plot it's downfall at our expense and then we head for the Battle of Britain Memorial dreaming of those heady days of airborne carnage. Then its the M25 and home.

A new house.

Well a temporary house really. It's a Schiphol really. Whilst Backroads Manor has a new wing built and gives the neighbours something worthwhile to moan about, we are lodging in a rental up the road. It's warm but damp. Everything in it is of the poorest quality imaginable. It's small. In short we can't wait to go home.

What awaits us in 2007?

A thumb up the bum.

I am now 40 which means this treat awaits me at my annual medical. No extra charge either. It's in May. I need to lose some weight before then.

A trip to the Maldives.

Me and Mrs B are off to sunnier climes for some sand, some snorkelling and some, well Mrs B will be scuba diving, but I won't on account of my ears.

Back to the Old House.

God I can't wait. Should be home for Easter.

A dog.

We are thinking of getting a lhasa apso when we get home. Apparently they need 0-20 minutes exercise a day. Grandpa Backroads says we can do a dog share with him if we like... as long as we keep the ends that shits.