portaloo sunset

Don’t you just hate those ‘my life is just so darned peachy, everyone wants to be me’ Day In The Life articles that appear in the Sunday supplements written by celebrities, usually when they’re plugging a new film, book or TV series.

They’re all so unbelievable. You know the stuff:

“I rise at 5am, prepare a green tea and eat a little macrobiotic yoghurt before heading out for my daily 5 mile run with Camus, my faithful chocolate labrador. I return and shower before heading off to the den to tap 1000 words or so into my Powerbook before 11am when I stroll along to McGuffin’s Deli for a skinny-thinny-fatté-twatté-latté and a loganberry muffin and where I chat and play boules with the local artisans for half an hour before strolling home with the FT tucked under my arm with which to check my share portfolio before trotting out another 1000 words before lunch.

At lunch-time, when my wife isn’t out curing AIDS and world poverty we snack on granola and mung-bean yak turds, slooshed down with a single glass of our favourite organic wine, Lawsons Crack.

In the afternoons I usually select a classic arthouse film such as La Belle Noiseuse from my extensive collection of laserdiscs and DVDs and retire to my home-cinema for inspiration…”

…and so on, and so on.

Absolute bollocks. Tomorrow I’m going for dirty realism in a Day in the Life of me.