most of the kids are alright

I took Alley and young Snicket to the pictures yesterday. Alley wanted to see the Princess Diaries 2. Me and young Snicket wanted to see something else (pretty much anything).

In the end we agreed on Shark Tale. I'd love to tell you what it was like and spoil the ending etc but young Snicket decided the instant the adverts started that he was scared and wanted to go home. Obviously my first reaction was to shove a couple of giant fondant filled strawberry laces into his mouth slooshed down with Coke from the three gallon bucket I'd just spent the national debt on. Of course this failed. Even a couple of outsized chocolate brazils when shoved in just made him look like Marlon Brando until they melted. I only remembered the reason why kids shouldn't be given nuts after he'd sucked the chocolate off and spat the buggers three rows forward at Uzi velocity earning me a clearly mouthed "For Fuck's Sake!" from a young Chav type Mum of around fifteen with her two fabulously behaved kids. Luckily the peak of her Burberry cap prevented the nuts from taking an eye out.

Well everyone in Screen 5 thought the Dolby trailer had started, but it was just young Snicket wailing in Sensurround by which time I was considering leaving him to Alley and hitting the built-in pub (Old Orleans or something). Then I remembered the shitty electric beer and decided to take him out with me and sit with the 'kids who hang around cinemas all day' instead so at least Alley could watch the film in peace.

Now. What is it with the 'kids who hang around cinemas all day'? Surely there's crack to be smoked or, at the very least, White Lightning to be drunk whilst sat on the wall outside Lazeez Off Licence and Convenience Mini-Mart. Obviously not. One Chavette must have slapped on a minky whale's worth of lip shine bling whilst I tried to stop young Snicket scaling the Spiderman hoarding in the manner of a superhero who can climb walls and shoot webs of some sort. Her young male friend, bizarrely, had the top half of John Lydon and the bottom half of Ricky Martin. Punk Cha Cha I reckon.

Her young male friend's friend (teens discover the delights of troilism very quickly these days don't they... bastards) had a shirt on which said 'PAIN IS JUST WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY' I thought about this for a bit. Well, for as long as it took young Snicket to topple the Spidey hoarding onto this lad's leg. In fairness, I offered him and his mates the use of my mobile to call an ambulance but, even as a considerable amount of weakness was leaving his body, he managed to flip out a phone only just invented in Tokyo and start texting like it was Morse. (The code not the opera-loving, crossword bothering detective on perma-heavy rotation on UK Drama. He didn't have a mobile. Obviously.)

Luckily, Alley appeared at this juncture. Shark Tale had been 'alright, I s'pose' so, as I made a mental note to email Leonard Maltin telling him to up it to five stars, I grabbed young Snicket and we left the area.

Bloody traffic was awful though. Dumb-ass drivers. There was an ambulance coming the other way. Must have taken it ages to get through.