exercise one

Blimey, MPs have opposed moves to ban the smacking of children, but bizarrely they've backed legislation which makes smacking Jamie Cullum compulsory.

Anyway, and more to the point, there’s a gym near work and I’m going at lunch time tomorrow. I’ve already put my kit in the car and boy is it fancy (my kit, not the car).

This gym is £2 a pop and a bit rough and ready, but least I won’t have to sell Alley and Snicket in order to get fit. I’m hoping that it will be like the exercise room in the Eric Prydz video for Call On Me, but somehow I think it’s more likely to resemble the galley of a slaveship, except full of tattooed scousers each one built like a brick-shithouse. There’s only one shower apparently, although Surly Kev the owner reckons that’s not a problem as “most people who use this gym don’t bother with a shower”!

That’s not a good thing is it?

Now the trouble with me is I’m all or nothing. Well, usually nothing actually. Last time I went to the gym on a lunchtime from work I did 1000 metres as fast as possible on a rowing machine, fell off, was sick and had to wait for my legs to stop shaking before I could drive home… there was no way I could go back to work.

Ditching that idea I decided to go swimming instead. The local leisure centre at the time had split the pool into Slow, Medium and Fast lanes for people doing lengths during their lunch-hours. Now, I’m not a great swimmer by any means, but neither am I that bad. So I plumped for Medium and went for it. Big mistake. When I crawled out I was sick and had to wait for my legs to stop shaking before I could drive home… there was no way I could go back to work.

A lot of people run at lunchtime. I could do that I suppose, but last time I tried it three separate people asked me if I’d been attacked.

So the gym it is. I’m going to set the pace by wearing my lycra-thong-unitard-combo so at least all the other customers will be put in mind of the Eric Prydz video and it might inspire them to buck their ideas up.