Monday, November 01, 2004


Today I have been mostly eating flat food. Snicket, Alley and Mrs Backroads have seen nothing of me as I have been locked away concentrating. Even meals have been delivered to me under the door where there exists a gap of approximately one inch. I have eaten two pancakes, a thin crust pizza and am looking forward to some After Eight mints later on. I suspect being cooped up in here is a bit like being in prison, but with less chance of a blow-job.

I’d love to tell you that this is because I have embarked upon my great quest. The novel. Sadly, I am merely revising for what is commonly described as a ‘professional qualification’. Loosely translated though it’s a complete ball-ache which will look good on the CV but offers no appreciable insight into the way I do my job. It’s some years since I studied for a qualification like this and I remember vowing that I’d never put myself though it again… and here I am. Rose tinted spectacles, etc.

Qualifications that are irrelevant on purpose are much more enjoyable as a rule. I did a course in 'film noir' once at The Cornerhouse in Manchester. All good stuff about the Maltese Falcon and The Postman Always Rings Twice, but to be honest I also found that there were some intellectual young laydees also on the course. I blew it when, instead of saying 'Well hello! I work in advertising and interactive tv' which was true, what I actually said was 'Hello, I work for a Building Society' which was equally true at the time, but much less alluring. The young laydees never looked at me again.

I also did a short course in animation but, frankly, I thought it was a bit Mickey Mouse.

Anyway, cooped up in this box, my attention span lasts for about ten minutes before I get distracted.

Today’s Top 10 distractions are as follows:

1. Eating pancakes.
2. Reading Unknown Pleasures by Chris Ott.
3. Thinking about Ian Curtis.
4. Playing Closer and listening to all of the words.
5. Eating a thin crust pizza.
6. Googling for nude pictures of Kirstie Allsopp and only finding AFMIP.
7. Jotting down blog ideas.
8. Commenting on other peoples blogs.
9. Looking forward to eating After Eight mints.
10. Buying a TV-B-Gone.

I will be released later because Mrs Backroads' long lost cousin George is coming round. I've been excited for weeks about this because I was told that "he's something big in the Homeland Security department", so I was imagining tales of shoe-bombers, Anthrax and other shenanigans. I now find out that George is "something in the big Homebase security department", so it's more likely to be tales relating to the petty theft of hosepipes and light fittings. Ah well.