Thursday, December 02, 2004

alternate title: randy scouse git

Now you’ve perhaps not noticed this, but if you search hard enough for it, there’s quite a lot of pornography on this here Internet. Some of it is good but of course most of it is, I have to admit, very good. What a boon this must be to curious pubescent youths the world over. I remember having to sneak furtive glances at my Dad’s poorly hidden Mayfairs and Knaves when he wasn’t around and how polite they seemed compared to what you tend to see these days.

I did progress to acquiring things like Listen With Rustler through various nefarious means and, I’m showing my age here, that magazine used to have a 7” flexi-disc on the cover which, when played, had ladies going ‘oooh ooooh oooh’ for a bit and then going ‘aaah ahhh aaaah’ for a bit more. I remember hiding a copy in between the insulation material around the hot water tank (in a cupboard in my room) and the tank itself only to find that the flexi disc had then melted to the tank, label up. It looked a bit like that crappy blur record the European Space Agency stuck on the side of Beagle II before it got lost. Anyway, insulation lasts a long time, thankfully. One day, though, someone’s going to buy that house from my parents, replace the plumbing and discover porno-boiler in my old room.

Now I remember being fascinated by the Readers Wives sections in those old magazines and fantasized about recognising someone in there in a compromising predicament. When at Sixth Form I remember one of the previous years upper-sixth girls appeared in the Show Us Yours section of Escort. A sell-out issue round our way. This was in the Dynasty era 1980s and so you can imagine she had very big hair, even on her head. Although, come to think of it, that Anne Hathaway’s Cottage style thatch was perhaps more 1580s.

Anyway, and sort of getting round to the point here, this school-boy fantasy has come true again. A fairly junior member of the team at work has appeared on an amateur website indulging in a variety of healthy pursuits with her boyfriend (and, ahem, his mate).


I have to do a Health & Safety and DSE review for everyone tomorrow and feel that it’ll be my duty, when manipulating her lumbar region support and pumping up her wrist-rest to warn her to be careful when using sharp razors in close proximity to any tender or sensitive parts. Also, if she’s planning to come into contact with any more gloopy substances, she might want to wear some goggles, as they can bloody sting if you get them in your eyes. What do you reckon?