Tuesday, November 23, 2004

how to dismantle ‘how to dismantle an atomic bomb’

1. Obtain copy of said over-rated disc, preferably the limited edition with free DVD and booklet.
2. Remove extraneous rain-forest killing card sleeve, soak with lighter fluid. Ignite.
3. Slide booklet from jewel case and carefully extract staples. Feed individual sheets into paper shredder, grinning as you watch four smug, shit-eating grimaces being torn asunder.
4. Separate the three jewel case components (perspex cover and rear, perspex ‘double’ CD tray). Using a toffee hammer smash all three items to smithereens (guidance: smithereens = smaller less successful smiths).*
5. Using pinking shears cut around the edge [ ;-) ] of the free DVD which actually cost an extra £3. Construct festive decoration. Go on be creative... this little disc deserves to witness some creativity in its short life.
6. Finally, using cook’s torch, melt CD until it buckles and splits. Toss remains in nearest bin.

Alternatively send to following address:

The U2
Never a Pleasure, Always a Chore Tour

* Heel of effete motorcycle boot may be utilised if toffee hammer unavailable.

Having listened to the above record in it’s entirety and listened to Paul Hewson blab on about it on endless TV and radio interviews, I have to say that the success of The U2 continues to elude me. Technically, there’s nothing wrong with the record, same as there’s technically nothing wrong with Skodas. However, o-h-m-y-g-o-d they’re unsubtle.

It’s like someone gave them a card when they started out in the late seventies which said
‘Go Straight to Pastiche, DO NOT have measured career, DO NOT split up over artistic differences only to reunite for gritted teeth reunion tour in the late ‘90s with Simple Minds and Echo & The Bunnymen, DO BORE THE WORLD with end-of-the-pier style ‘we’re only in it for the money’ unswerving bombast-by-numbers from your VERY FIRST RECORD.’

Let’s face it, has there ever been a The U2 record which hasn’t involved Hewson going from singing quiet and very whiny to SINGING VERY FUCKING LOUD INDEED? Also, people say that Dave Evans has such a unique and distinctive style that it’s immediately recognisable the world over. Can I just remind you that crap has a unique and distinctive smell that is immediately recognisable the world over.

Other than that, it’s very nice. They’re such lovely boys y’know.