THE PROJECT MANAGER’S FEAR OF THE MILESTONE

Everyone knows when planning a big project that the target launch date is the very best day to book a day’s holiday. Not because you don’t want to share in the glory of success, but because you know that that will never ever be the live date. There’ll be slippage, issues, risks, etc etc.

The best thing when working on a project is when you’ve slipped and failed to complete something you’re meant to deliver but you know that someone else has slipped even further, thus completely disguising your own tardiness.

You see, you don’t need to run faster than the bear. You just need to run faster than your brother.

THE UNBEARABLE WHITENESS OF FREEZING

I put my duffle coat on plus my gloves and scarf in the hallway. I’m nice and toasty warm. I then leave the house and plunge myself into a frosty world of arctic temperatures and walk ten yards to the car. I then stand at the side of the car and remove my scarf and coat. By the time I’ve leaned in and draped my coat over the back seat I am freezing.

I get to work nice and toasty warm. I park up and open the car door. A whoosh of freezing air engulfs me as I stretch for my coat and wrap my scarf around my neck. By the time I’ve locked the car up I am freezing.

It could be worse. A colleague left his running car on the drive to warm up yesterday morning whilst he had his breakfast. When he emerged from his house, no car, no laptop, no palmtop, no phone… erm… no insurance.

Anyway, it’s dress down day today. I’m in my suit as normal but with one of Mrs B’s sparkly thongs on underneath. Clever, eh? I don’t have to put a quid in the collection and no-one but you knows that I have dressed down after all. Well, until I bend over to tie my shoes.

GOLD STAR FOR ROBOT BOY

Back at base now and New York seems so long ago. Good memories though.

Hey, gadget boy bought a PSP. Not in New York though... they don't do bundles... By the time you've bought the games it's dearer there than it is here... plus you've got a knackered guarantee and a crappy US plug... so I waited until I got home.

It's a thing of beauty though... shiny and black with a huge bright screen... what a geek!! Anyway, Wipeout Pure looks a dream!!!

What else? Well this Saturday I'm taking Alley to France to pick up a load of wine ahead of the Christmas period. An elaborate charade but it saves more than a few quid when you knock it back like Mrs B (I just supervise). Plus, it's a day out in the Backroads Bus. It's forecast snow but who knows!

I forget to set SkyPlus for New Order/Joy Division's induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, so I assume someone qualified induced them as appropriate. Anyone see it?

Other than that I've been listening to this and reading this.

IF...

... a picture paints a thousand words. Well it's nice to be home and sift through the pictures we took. After the fact though, there's only so many skyscrapers you can go 'ooh' at isn't there. So, that said, here's my favourite shot of the trip other than those of Mrs Backroads legs akimbo in the buff which won't be going on the net. Well not on this site anyway. Oh go on then... just one.

LEAVING NEW YORK

Time to go now after eating our way around this town. They're just getting into the swing of holiday season here with stores unveiling their window displays and Christmas trees appearing all over the place. The town is much more old fashioned than it thinks and some of the things people say and do are downright quaint. In a good way.

(NO) ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK

Despite our best efforts we couldn't get off Manhattan due to a flaky Long Island Rail Road timetable combined with a little bad advice. I tell you what though, the city that never sleeps doesn't wake up until 10am. When you're up at 5 every morning that's no fun. A guy can't get arrested.

SIMPLE MEN

Today we leave NYC for the day to visit the Vineyards out at the far end of Long Island which, Hal Hartley fans is actually a terminal moraine.

THERE'S A MILLION STOREYS...

... in the naked city and we're only on the 10th. However, NYC is a lot like York. Except with less Americans. Obviously.

THERE IT IS

When you get here you realise that NYC is a town like any other. A bit like Hebden Bridge but without the traffic and rude people. Anyway, took a limo from the airport, had oysters at the Grand Central Station Oyster Bar, got drenched to the skin in a New York minute and had steamy sex uninterrupted by skriking kids as did Mrs Backroads.

Missing Alley, Snicket and Boo though.

"NEW YORK" SAID HE. "NEW YORK?" SAID I.

We've all gone to look for America.

WIRED FOR SOUND

I bought one of them there Kate Bush Aerial's for my tranny the other day. Ideal if you're wearing your red shoes whilst running up that hill, otherwise it's a bit like the emporor's new clothes. You know, everyone feels obliged to say what a masterful return to form it is but in six month's time, the consensus will probably be, 'well it isn't the Hounds of Love is it?'

I mean, 'Slooshy sloshy, slooshy sloshy, get that dirty shirty clean' is totally progtastic. Worst line since 'Mum tiddly washing' in Supper's Ready.

Just saying.

Anyway, what have you bought for your tranny?

SONG FOR... WHATEVER

I've been volunteered to kick off the karaoke at a works do later this week. The question is, what song should I attempt?

I quite fancy, Up The Junction, Living La Vida Loca or something by The Beautiful South... Anyone got any better ideas?

A GOOD IDEA

Is it a good idea to borrow your boss's office for a couple of days whilst she's on holiday?

Yes, you'll probably get lots done in the relative peace and quiet when compared with the open plan maelstrom of every other day.

Is it a good idea to borrow your boss's office for a couple of days whilst she's on holiday, bring chips in each day for your lunch and then leave it smelling like Harry Ramsden's?

Er... no.

MINK DE'VILLAGE

Something has bitten the head off the bloke next door's cock. Brought tears to my eyes when he pulled it out to show me, all limp and floppy like that.

Turns out it was a mink that gone and done it. How do we know? Because bloke next door went into his chicken coop and hit it in the head with a shovel. Yes indeed, a European mink. Shouldn't even be working here apparently, or at least just on a holiday visa which means 'knowledge transfer only' and no actual work. This one was definitely working. Now it's definitely dead. I've seen it.

A TRICK OF THE TAIL

So the bloke next door goes into his garage the other day and finds an infestation of field-mice. He sets a load of traps which, over the next few days, the mice studiously ignore whilst nicking the cheese he's placed on them.

Today he goes in to collect the toolbox which he needs for work. On placing it in the boot of his car, three or four mice scurry out and disappear into the innards of his Renault.

He drove all the way to Leeds with his trousers tucked into his socks.

How we laughed.